When I get old...

What I'm going to do to spice up my golden years.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I have had a few epiphanies on age and aging since moving in with my 85-year-old grandma. Some are profound, others ridiculous...bear with me.
It has occurred to me that old age is often looked upon as a curse to be warded off with talismans produced by Botox and Lancome, 24 Hour Fitness and Centrum. But when I get old, I am going to embrace it. I'm taking advantage. I'm going to live it up, dammit, and no one's going to stop me. I'm taking the whole Red Hat Phenomenon a step further....
I'm going to fart in church. Loudly. Then I'm going to glare at the nearest parishoner under 25 and say "You have aweful manners, young man/lady!"
I'm going to call all my relatives who neglect me at 3am. I will startle them out of bed with a cheery "Happy New Year!" Repeat as often as necessary to get their attention.
If someone (sales clerk, neighbor, friend, telemarketer, etc.) pisses me off, I am going to describe my bowel movements in detail: size, shape, scent, consistancy. Embellish at will for as long as is necessary to exact retribution.
I'm going to hit on young men.
I'm going to shoplift one can of kidney beans, and be very obvious about it. I will rotate days with shoplifting prophylactics as well.
I will fake Tourette's. While in public, I will holler "Cock! Balls!" at random, and pretend not to notice.
I'm going to walk up to strangers' tables in fine restaurants and eat their appetizers. Unapologetically.
I'm going to get that kid at the grocery store to carry my groceries. Then we will walk around the parking lot for an hour while I "forget" where I parked. Then I will tip him a quarter and tell him not to spend it all in one place.
I'm going to go to the porn shop on a regular basis. Then I will walk around and criticize other patron's selections. I'll say things like "That was a bad year for Jenna, still doing the dope. Try that one from 2001."
I'm going to put my teeth in the collection plate at church.
People will think I'm senile, but I will be enjoying myself thoroughly. I will be the master of my own Geritol-scented world. No one will push me around or tell me what to do. And if they try, I will give them the bird, and then blame it on nerve damage.